Letters to the Men I Loved: Man, I Should Have Married...
Dear Man, I Should have Married,
I met you in a hotel elevator on a cold winter day. You were drop dead gorgeous attending the same conference I was in town for. Our eyes met but we didn't say a word.
The next night I was walking alone in the lobby well past midnight and there you were sitting alone. We greeted one another and ended up taking a walk that lasted hours. We talked so long, the sun started to come up. I panicked because I had a flight to catch. You asked me where home was and I flatly replied Miami, wishing I could stay. You gave me the longest hug and whispered, "Call me when you get home, I live in Miami too."
Over the next few years, we came in and out of each other's lives. It was perfect and it was all wrong at the same damn time. Fire and Ice. I was so young. You were so set in your ways. I respected your life and career but you hated my impulsive nature and need to be free. Your life so carefully cultivated and planned. Mine the life of a wild child with a career on the fast track and no interest in sitting still. You were a drug to me and I was a gamble to you.
After years of trying to figure you out, I threw in the towel. I married a quiet doctor sometime later thinking perhaps being a sculpted pre-packaged wife is what I should be. I became the wife you had always wanted me to be...for him. But he was not you.
I cried when you told me you had gotten married. I bought your children gifts as they were born that I never sent. I miss you all the time but I would never call; age has given me restraint and enough wisdom to know better than to move backward, and enough nostalgia to know that what we had was uncommon and rare.
I leave you as you are in my memories. Standing on that beach in Jamaica holding my hand as the sun went down over the cliffs. I can hear the dancehall music in the distance. I wished we had danced. We should have danced.