Gettin' Busy After Baby...& Life

Gettin' Busy After Baby...& Life

Let's face it: your body will probably never be the same after a baby. No matter how amazing your friends say your body is, you are your own worst critic.  

I know exactly how to stand to make my tummy look as terrible as possible. I feel like my left nipple is slightly larger than my right. For a while, the right breast was a full cup size bigger than the left, and I knew I would be disfigured for the rest of my life. Give me a few seconds, and I could rattle off 12,402 things about my body that I hate. With a hundred new insecurities- from stretch marks to wondering if my who-ha is tight enough- love isn't gonna make itself and eventually, I became horny enough to simply not care.  

My new after-baby body seemed like the only obstacle...until I realized that every time I started to pull off my bra, a child started crying or I'd be so tired I would literally fall asleep during foreplay. 

My love life is a joke. I don't know if it's the combination of being a full-time mom in my mid-thirties, but I've tried for five consecutive days to get laid and absolutely fucking failed.  

Monday: "OMG, oh, no! I looked skinnier yesterday. I don't feel pretty. I shouldn't have had that extra sushi. Not tonight. My breath smells weird and I need, NEED to shave my legs. I'm not ready.

Tuesday: "Yes, yes, take me, Papi! Oh, no. No, just kidding! My toddlers are beating on the door in unison screaming, 'we saw a bug outside the window, can we sleep in your bed?!'" An hour and a half of crying and consoling later, the entire family falls asleep together watching Beauty and the Beast.

Wednesday: A long night at PTA and a soccer game, followed by three glasses of wine at home...I wake up on the couch alone at 4 am still holding my laptop. Bust.

Thursday: Despite everyone having colds- tonight's the night, beyotch! Um, I look great(ish)...as good as it's gonna get, hurry before someone wakes up or we fall asleep watching Narcos. Uh-oh. Doorbell rings. The neighbor tells me my dog is out. After finding the family mutt, I realize every light in my house is on. So, I clean my way back upstairs, flipping off light switches as I go...yep, yep, the moment's passed...

Friday: FML. THIS TIME I WAS READY!! But no. The rag hits again. Fuck you very much, mother nature. I will never forgive you...until 28 days from now when I'm desperately anticipating your arrival... Woe is me. Pity and annoyance befall, as my period starts. Oh, the horror.

Let's try this again on Tuesday.  

I spend my days caring for babies, cooking, cleaning, writing these random posts, and yes, thinking constantly if tonight- if everything happens just right- and babies fall asleep, and 100 random other factors fall into place, I can. Actually. Get. Busy.

The point is, your body after baby doesn't really f*cking matter. You're going to be so busy and so tired that those new stretch marks or saggy boobs won't make or break you, babe. You're going to let your man take you down on the bathroom floor with the lights on with a squeak toy under your ass cheek if and when the opportunity presents itself because at this stage in life there are no limits to what you will do for the D. Odds are: he's so tired from the day and has been waiting so long for some action you'll look like Beyonce in his eyes. Love yourself, and get it while it's hot.

Happy Humping!

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